Chad’s Reviews

My New Best Frickin’ Friend
So today was the first day for the new Lonnie whose name is Les. And today Les’ first duty was to sit me down for three hours and explain exactly what it was that I was supposed to be doing on my “special project.” Before I eve get started, let’s just say that Les is two to three times the douchebag Lonnie was.

In our meeting the first thing he asked me was where I got my tie. I was like, “I don’t know, the mall probably.” Then he goes, “Was it a homeless mall?”

That’s literally the first thing my new boss said to me, then he chucked me in the shoulder and was like, “Just kidding, just kidding. I wore ties like that too before I became management.”

I seriously almost jumped out the frickin’ window and took him with me. But everybody, myself included is still pretty shaken up from this whole layoff thing so we’re all pretty much going to have take as much dick in the butt as they can cram in.

So after that he opens up this file that has one piece of paper in it and he goes, “Okay so I have here, the details of a special project that you’ve been assigned to. It’s not a difficult project, but it is one that requires a great deal of concentration and attention paid to detail.”

I’m sitting there thinking he’s going to have me washing his car in the parking lot or some crap, but it’s even worse than that. He tells me this, “This company has an entire half a floor devoted to storing paper versions of client files that started being accumulated in 1982. In an effort to make this company more Carbon friendly, the decision has been made to eliminate these hard copy files.”

This has been something that I’ve been trying to get this company to do for years. We have all of the files we still deal with on a giant database. Nobody even looks at the paper files anymore. So I’m sitting there thinking I’m just going to have to make a phone call to a paper shredding service or some crap. Not so bad right, wrong.

Les goes, “Now we know we don’t want these hard copies around anymore, but we also can’t completely get rid of them. So what you’re going to be doing is scanning them into a brand new server. Pretty cool, huh?”

Pretty cool? Am I in the third grade or something, douche? So I’m like, “What do you mean scanning them in?”

He goes, “Well, we found it in the budget to get you a brand new scanner. Top of the line Brother MFC-8870dw 30ppm Wireless Network Multifunction Laser Printer with Duplex Printing, Copying, Scanning and Faxing it says here, and you’ll be taking the old paper files a page at a time and scanning them in so we have a graphic representation of the old hard copies.”

It would take one guy like 30 years to do all of that. So I’m like, “Is anyone helping me?”

He goes, “Of course. I will. We don’t expect you to do this all by yourself. When you get a file all scanned in, I’ll log into the new server and make sure it looks okay, make sure all of the pages are there. That type of thing.”

I don’t even know what he said next. This is seriously the equivalent of being sentenced to hard labor. They told me to take an early lunch and then when I get back, they’re going to have some douche from IT show me how to operate the Brother MFC-8870dw 30ppm Wireless Network Multifunction Laser Printer with Duplex Printing, Copying, Scanning and Faxing.

The Golden Ticket
Long story short, our company got bought out by one of those huge mega-conglomerate companies about a month and a half ago and it frickin’ sucks. So for the past 6 weeks every douchebag in the place has been walking on eggshells, trying to stay off the radar of these restructuring specialists who were brought in by the mega-conglomerate.

Over the course of these past 6 weeks, pretty much everyone from the division heads all the way down to frickin’ Ernesto, our facilities guy, has been brought in for performance evaluations, productivity suggestion sessions, general psyche evaluations, etc. It’s been really frickin’ nerve racking.

So yesterday they (the restructuring specialists) called everyone into a huge company wide meeting at about 3 o’clock. They thanked us for being patient with them and told us all that their job was done. They had turned in their recommendations to the mega-conglomerate and by tomorrow (this morning) everyone would know exactly what was going on. Then when we got back to our desks, we all had an inter-office e-mail from the mega-conglomerate letting us know we had the rest of the day off. We were all pretty much expecting to not have jobs this morning.

So we walk in and we notice that some desks have presents, literal frickin’ presents wrapped up with bows on them and some just have plain mega-conglomerate letterhead envelopes. Holy frickin’ crank.

I’m about to frickin’ drop a load in my pants trying to figure out what in the hell is going on. So before I get to my desk I go up to this dude in marketing named Jens Buerger. He’s got a present.

I’m like, “Jens, what’s in there.”

He goes, “Dunno.”

Then he opens it. It a little card that says, “Welcome to the team,” and a frickin’ book called Takeovers, Restructuring, and Corporate Governance, Fourth Edition (Hardcover). WTF? The card goes on to say that the mega-conglomerate received a strong recommendation they keep Jens on as an employee and they’re following that recommendation. The “strong” is the only part of the card that isn’t pre-printed like a normal card. It’s like it was printed in later. So at this point I’m assuming if you didn’t get a “strong” recommendation you’re pretty much frickin’ history.

So on my way back to my desk I pass this marketing skank named Justine Forney who just has an envelope. She’s reading it and crying, clearly crap-canned. I peek over her shoulder and see a basic form letter with the same variable type as the “strong” on the card except hers says “poor.”

So that’s how it’s going down. Present: you’re in, envelope, you’re out.

So I get to my frickin’ desk, pull my nuts out of my throat and don’t’ see a frickin’ present. Nuts back in throat.

So I go over and start rummaging around the files on my desk looking for the envelope, at this point just kind of wondering where on the scale between “poor” and “strong” I ranked, but I can’t find it.

No frickin’ Takeovers, Restructuring, and Corporate Governance, Fourth Edition (Hardcover) and no frickin’ envelope either. So I go into my boss Lonnie’s office to see what in the hell is going on and he’s packing his crap into a little box. Holy frickin’ crank.

I’m like, “Lonnie, what in the hell is going on.”

He’s like, “The specialists gave me a “sub-par” evaluation. I have to be out of my office in an hour.”

I know the guy’s a major league douchebag, but this is not cool or fun to watch in any way. So I’m like, “Holy crap, man, I’m sorry.”

He’s like, “Don’t worry about it. I already had a job lined up with Harring & Herman because I figured this would happen. I’ll be making roughly twice was I was making here.”

Frickin’ douche ‘till the end.

Then he’s like, “You staying?”

I go, “I don’t know.”

He’s like, “Did you get the book or the envelope?”

I go, “Neither. There wasn’t anything on my frickin’ desk. That’s why I cam in here – to see if you knew anything.”

He’s like, “Nope. Nothin’ here.” Then he packs up the last of crap, chucks me on the shoulder, says, “It was nice working with you. If you do stick around keep that head low. These new guys are some serious assholes,” then he walks out.

Holy frickin’ crank, I will never see frickin’ Lonnie again for the rest of my life. Then I start thinking about the possibility of me getting fired and then I start to realize at this point if I do get fired, my best bet for a new job would probably actually be Harring & Herman and then I’d be working for Lonnie again.

Oh sweet frickin’ crap, please let me get the book. That’s all I could think as I made my way down to HR to see what in the hell was going on. By the way, this was the worst trip of my life through the office. I’d say easily 20 percent of the people I’ve worked with for years were getting canned and I had to look at them as I went down to see what my fate was. Frickin’ sucked ass.

So I get to HR and I’m like, “So, I don’t know if I got canned or not.”

Then this skank named Sandy Duran is like, “If you got the copy of Takeovers, Restructuring, and Corporate Governance, Fourth Edition (Hardcover) then you were not terminated. If you got a letter of termination then you are terminated. It’s not that hard.”

I have hated this skank for the entire time I’ve known her and I’m pretty sure I figure if Lonnie got the axe I probably will, too, so I’m like, “Listen you stupid skank, you think I’d be down here talking to your shriveled tits if I had gotten either one of those things?”

She goes, “You didn’t get Takeovers, Restructuring, and Corporate Governance, Fourth Edition (Hardcover) or a letter of termination?”

I’m like, “No.”

Now this skank has worked with me for around five years. She actually goes, “And what’s your name?”

I almost put my foot through her frickin’ butthole. Instead, I tell her my name and she looks me up in the system. She says, “Oh. I see.”

I’m like, “You see what?”

She goes, “You are still an employee and the specialists recommended you for a special project.”

I’m like, “What in the hell is that?”

She goes, “I don’t have the details here, but you should be getting a memo or an inter-office later today.”

I go, “So what in the hell do I do now?”

She goes, “I guess just go back to your desk and wait.”

So I get back to my desk, still no Takeovers, Restructuring, and Corporate Governance, Fourth Edition (Hardcover). So every other person that walks past my desk who got canned thinks I’m in their boat and starts telling me their story and all of this crap and I have to be like, “I didn’t get fired. I got assigned to some bullshit project or something. Good luck, though.”

Day one of the new company and already this crap frickin’ sucks.

It’s A Frickin’ Bathroom Key, Calm Down
One of the most annoying things HR has done since the New Year is to institute this new policy about the bathrooms. I guess a few homeless guys wandered into the building last year right at closing time and ended up spending the nights in some of the bathrooms. So now all of the bathrooms have locks on them and there are only three keys per floor, all of which are kept at each of the desks of each of the floors’ office managers.

It’s really not that big of a deal for me because on my floor the office manager’s desk is right by the bathroom and she just leaves the keys sitting out so you can grab them as you walk by.

So this morning I get ready for my morning deuce and walk down to her desk. She’s sitting there (this chick named Lori Pettingston, who isn’t that much of a skank and is actually kind of cool) but there are no keys.

So I’m like, “Lori, what’s the deal with the keys?”

And she goes, “HR just sent the office managers a memo this morning. We can’t leave the keys sitting out anymore because people have been taking them and not returning them.”

So I go, “Okay, well can I have one of the keys?”

She goes, “Yeah, hang on,” then she whips out a little sign out sheet and a frickin’ Honeywell 2074 Burglary Resistant Top Opening Digital Anti Theft Drawer Safe.

I’m like, “I have to sign the keys in and out?”

She kind of rolls her eyes and goes, “I know it’s ridiculous, but that’s what they want us to do.”

So as I’m looking at the sign out sheet it has columns for time taken and time returned. It’s pretty clear by the numbers who has taken a dump and who has just gone to take a piss. And it looks like my boss Lonnie is still in there and probably taking a crap. Great I’m going to be deucing next to my boss. Great way to start the day.

So I sign for the keys then Lori hefts the Honeywell 2074 Burglary Resistant Top Opening Digital Anti Theft Drawer Safe up onto her desk and punches in some numbers. She opens the frickin’ Honeywell 2074 Burglary Resistant Top Opening Digital Anti Theft Drawer Safe and the only thing in it is two pairs of keys. She hands me one and I head off to the crapper wondering which douchebag in HR came up with this plan.

Thanks For Insulting Me To My Face Douchebag
Right after the New Year they hired a bunch of new people in various departments. This one guy named Leonard Phelps was hired in a position that they made specifically for him called Director of Records. No one knew what in the crank that meant and no one really cared.

Well today I started to care. I’m sitting there minding my own business, watching a frickin’ youtube clip of these douche bag celebrities getting tazered and Phelps walks up to me with this box in his hand.

He hands it to me and he goes, “Hey there, I’m Leonard Phelps then new Director of Records and I know you handle some of the invoices for certain clients. I thought you might be able to use this. Just a little gift from me in my first week.” Then he hands me a frickin’ copy of Professional Invoices: Get Paid Now!

Are you frickin’ kidding me?

I’ve been writing invoices since I frickin’ graduated from college. I actually wrote our invoicing program, the one that our company has used for the last five years. And now this asstooth wants me to use some frickin’ consumer grade, cut and paste, CompUSA aisle 5, $49.99 crapbox program that old ladies use to sell their cupcake recipes on Ebay? I’m seriously about to kick this douche in his ballbag when he goes, “You know, you can take it or leave it. I just thought it might be something you could use. We should get lunch sometime. I’d love to talk to you about your record storage system in the account department.” Then he walks off, never knowing he was about two seconds from being force fed his precious Professional Invoices: Get Paid Now!

Which One Is It, Douchebag?
Having four days in a row off is pretty much like having five days in a row off because no body does any frickin’ work on the first day back. So I’m sitting in my cube just staring at my screensaver this morning when this fat skank who sits a few cubes away from me named Ginny Pierce rolls over to me in her chair (she’s so frickin’ lazy she couldn’t’ even get up and take four steps.)

So she rolls over and she’s like, “Look what my sister bought me for Thanksgiving.”

In my head there’s an immediate list of reactions:

1. Who buys frickin’ presents for Thanksgiving?
2. Who frickin’ cares what she bought you?
3. Is your sister a fat ugly skank like you are?
4. How much of my morning will this conversation blaze?

Before I can give any kind of response she sticks out her wrist and shows me this frickin’ bracelet she’s wearing. Then she goes, “Look at the Clearly Charming Dark Blue Ribbon Child Abuse, Colon Cancer Awareness Italian Charm.”

And I go, “Child Abuse/Colon Cancer Awareness or Child Abuse + Colon Cancer Awareness, like it’s about awareness of kids who are abused and also they have colon Cancer?”

She goes, “Well, a dark blue ribbon can signify awareness of a lot of things. It basically stands for child abuse prevention, arthritis, lung cancer, colon cancer, and water safety awareness.”

And I’m like, “What? Which one are you claiming awareness of?”

And she’s like, “All of them.”

And I go, “Does any of that stuff effect somebody in your family or something?”

And she literally says, “Water safety effects us all,” in a tone that’s like she’s pissed off at me for not knowing that or something. Then she wheels her fat ass back to her cube and I go back to staring at my screensaver. What a frickin’ douchebag.