The Golden Ticket
Long story short, our company got bought out by one of those huge mega-conglomerate companies about a month and a half ago and it frickin’ sucks. So for the past 6 weeks every douchebag in the place has been walking on eggshells, trying to stay off the radar of these restructuring specialists who were brought in by the mega-conglomerate.
Over the course of these past 6 weeks, pretty much everyone from the division heads all the way down to frickin’ Ernesto, our facilities guy, has been brought in for performance evaluations, productivity suggestion sessions, general psyche evaluations, etc. It’s been really frickin’ nerve racking.
So yesterday they (the restructuring specialists) called everyone into a huge company wide meeting at about 3 o’clock. They thanked us for being patient with them and told us all that their job was done. They had turned in their recommendations to the mega-conglomerate and by tomorrow (this morning) everyone would know exactly what was going on. Then when we got back to our desks, we all had an inter-office e-mail from the mega-conglomerate letting us know we had the rest of the day off. We were all pretty much expecting to not have jobs this morning.
So we walk in and we notice that some desks have presents, literal frickin’ presents wrapped up with bows on them and some just have plain mega-conglomerate letterhead envelopes. Holy frickin’ crank.
I’m about to frickin’ drop a load in my pants trying to figure out what in the hell is going on. So before I get to my desk I go up to this dude in marketing named Jens Buerger. He’s got a present.
I’m like, “Jens, what’s in there.”
He goes, “Dunno.”
Then he opens it. It a little card that says, “Welcome to the team,” and a frickin’ book called Takeovers, Restructuring, and Corporate Governance, Fourth Edition (Hardcover). WTF? The card goes on to say that the mega-conglomerate received a strong recommendation they keep Jens on as an employee and they’re following that recommendation. The “strong” is the only part of the card that isn’t pre-printed like a normal card. It’s like it was printed in later. So at this point I’m assuming if you didn’t get a “strong” recommendation you’re pretty much frickin’ history.
So on my way back to my desk I pass this marketing skank named Justine Forney who just has an envelope. She’s reading it and crying, clearly crap-canned. I peek over her shoulder and see a basic form letter with the same variable type as the “strong” on the card except hers says “poor.”
So that’s how it’s going down. Present: you’re in, envelope, you’re out.
So I get to my frickin’ desk, pull my nuts out of my throat and don’t’ see a frickin’ present. Nuts back in throat.
So I go over and start rummaging around the files on my desk looking for the envelope, at this point just kind of wondering where on the scale between “poor” and “strong” I ranked, but I can’t find it.
No frickin’ Takeovers, Restructuring, and Corporate Governance, Fourth Edition (Hardcover) and no frickin’ envelope either. So I go into my boss Lonnie’s office to see what in the hell is going on and he’s packing his crap into a little box. Holy frickin’ crank.
I’m like, “Lonnie, what in the hell is going on.”
He’s like, “The specialists gave me a “sub-par” evaluation. I have to be out of my office in an hour.”
I know the guy’s a major league douchebag, but this is not cool or fun to watch in any way. So I’m like, “Holy crap, man, I’m sorry.”
He’s like, “Don’t worry about it. I already had a job lined up with Harring & Herman because I figured this would happen. I’ll be making roughly twice was I was making here.”
Frickin’ douche ‘till the end.
Then he’s like, “You staying?”
I go, “I don’t know.”
He’s like, “Did you get the book or the envelope?”
I go, “Neither. There wasn’t anything on my frickin’ desk. That’s why I cam in here – to see if you knew anything.”
He’s like, “Nope. Nothin’ here.” Then he packs up the last of crap, chucks me on the shoulder, says, “It was nice working with you. If you do stick around keep that head low. These new guys are some serious assholes,” then he walks out.
Holy frickin’ crank, I will never see frickin’ Lonnie again for the rest of my life. Then I start thinking about the possibility of me getting fired and then I start to realize at this point if I do get fired, my best bet for a new job would probably actually be Harring & Herman and then I’d be working for Lonnie again.
Oh sweet frickin’ crap, please let me get the book. That’s all I could think as I made my way down to HR to see what in the hell was going on. By the way, this was the worst trip of my life through the office. I’d say easily 20 percent of the people I’ve worked with for years were getting canned and I had to look at them as I went down to see what my fate was. Frickin’ sucked ass.
So I get to HR and I’m like, “So, I don’t know if I got canned or not.”
Then this skank named Sandy Duran is like, “If you got the copy of Takeovers, Restructuring, and Corporate Governance, Fourth Edition (Hardcover) then you were not terminated. If you got a letter of termination then you are terminated. It’s not that hard.”
I have hated this skank for the entire time I’ve known her and I’m pretty sure I figure if Lonnie got the axe I probably will, too, so I’m like, “Listen you stupid skank, you think I’d be down here talking to your shriveled tits if I had gotten either one of those things?”
She goes, “You didn’t get Takeovers, Restructuring, and Corporate Governance, Fourth Edition (Hardcover) or a letter of termination?”
I’m like, “No.”
Now this skank has worked with me for around five years. She actually goes, “And what’s your name?”
I almost put my foot through her frickin’ butthole. Instead, I tell her my name and she looks me up in the system. She says, “Oh. I see.”
I’m like, “You see what?”
She goes, “You are still an employee and the specialists recommended you for a special project.”
I’m like, “What in the hell is that?”
She goes, “I don’t have the details here, but you should be getting a memo or an inter-office later today.”
I go, “So what in the hell do I do now?”
She goes, “I guess just go back to your desk and wait.”
So I get back to my desk, still no Takeovers, Restructuring, and Corporate Governance, Fourth Edition (Hardcover). So every other person that walks past my desk who got canned thinks I’m in their boat and starts telling me their story and all of this crap and I have to be like, “I didn’t get fired. I got assigned to some bullshit project or something. Good luck, though.”
Day one of the new company and already this crap frickin’ sucks.